Names That Didn’t Make The Cut

Guest Post by Jason Huffman

As Ashley mentioned, we spent last weekend holed up in a cabin in the woods. We started with a book of 100,000 names, picked 90, reduced those to 60, and now, have whittled down the list to 6 finalists. And while we are saving the winner for his birthday, I can safely announce my choices that didn’t make the cut:

1) Suck Chin: I found this gem in the 100,000 baby name book. I can almost guarantee that he won’t have to worry about being confused for any other Suck Chin in his kindergarten class. This isn’t a name – it sounds like a make out move that went terribly, terribly wrong.

2) US Census: The US Census publishes a list of names that have no duplicates in the country. If we choose any of these, there will only be our son and one of these poor souls. I am all about individuality, but heaven help these children. I can’t include a photo with any of these. None of them would be appropriate. Well, maybe the burger, but it would have to be a great burger.

- Ghoul Nipple

- Envy Burger

- Noble Butt

- Good Hell

- Naughty Bishop

3) Turd Ferguson: “It’s a funny name. Funny like an oversized hat.” Enough said. Take that, Alex Trebek.

4) Mr. Jack Basvalk: For some reason, this name was immediately nixed after I explained its origin to Ashley. I think it sounds 1950’s cool, or perhaps he would grow up to be a private eye or trench coat wearing detective (see left). Ashley’s interest in this choice ended when I revealed that “Mr. Jack Basvalk” uses the first initial of every girl I dated in my life. How cool is that? He could tell all his friends how he got his name and receive instant street cred and popularity. And if I am lucky, my son could carry on the tradition with his son. A side note: if any girl I dated is reading this and doesn’t find her initial, do let me know. I still need a middle name.

5) O’Shervin Belbertwald: I really thought this one had a chance. We really wanted to work in a family name. Unfortunately, our fathers didn’t give us much to work with on this one. My dad’s name is Belvin. Ashley’s dad holds the title of Herbert Oswald. I don’t want my son to be beat up, so these three were eliminated. However, I tried to rearrange the letters to create a new name using all the letters. Not bad, eh? Sounds like a noble, Irish leprechaun with magic powers. Show me a parent who doesn’t have these hopes and dreams for their child. I did some Google research and found an “O’Shervin Belbertwald” in a wee part of Ireland. His Facebook photo is on your right.

So while you won’t know his name until February, you now know what he won’t be called. But these names are going in my desk drawer. We hope to have a second kid some day, and I think these would work with a girl just as well.

-Jason